#RadiatingReal – Beyond Metrics – The Power of Showing Up

[00:00:00] When I came onto LinkedIn, I didn’t know anything and I wasn’t there to sell anything. I, I had a job. I didn’t need LinkedIn. That was my mentality starting, and so I just showed up and I didn’t know what you were supposed to do or not supposed to do. I didn’t know about, you know, oh, post consistently. I didn’t know, don’t repost other people’s things.

I, I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to just show up and. Be yourself right there. Rules. There are no rules, but these are the things, what people tell you when you start on LinkedIn. You’d be surprised. There’s a lot of things that people tell you. You know, the algorithm, whatever it is. And I just kept showing up and what I noticed was people were commenting on how.

Authentic I was how honest I was, how relatable I was, all those things. And it made me realize or really stop and think to realize, well, if people are commenting on that, it must not happen often.

The Elmore [00:01:00] podcast features authentic conversations on facing adversity moving forward and discovering ourselves along the way. And this episode with Nancy Barrows is no exception. You’ll learn more about Nancy in the interview. She’s a keynote speaker and the creator and founder of the Chick with the Tool Belt program, and she created the radiating reel movement, which empowers people to take off their masks and experience the power of showing up.

Nancy has thrived through her adversity and she employs her experience to help others. For about a year now, I’ve been recording onward podcast episodes live. I’ve been actually live streaming them, usually going live Wednesday nights at 7:30 PM Eastern. So if you connect with me on LinkedIn or follow the Onward Podcast on YouTube or join the Onward Movement Facebook group, you can engage in the conversation.

You’ll hear in this episode. You’ll hear me and Nancy. [00:02:00] Talking to the listeners because they’re engaging with comments, and that’s what’s really fun about live streaming. And then I publish it later as a regular podcast episode. So this episode, I just wanna give you a heads up, could be triggering for some because we talk for a little bit about sexual abuse as well as eating disorders.

And we will give you a heads up in the interview that. You know, we’re getting ready to get into that topic so you’ll have a heads up so you can turn off the, the show if you’re interested in, not interested in hearing any further. So, let’s get to this interview with Nancy Barrows and learn about the radiating real movement and the power of showing up.

So Nancy is the, the chick with the tool belt. That is true. And we’ll have to learn all about that. Did you bring your tool belt? Oh, well I have one that Carter made me, Alex Chamber’s daughter. Look what she made. She made a tool belt. Well, she had a [00:03:00] tool belt from school and I loved it because I’m Chick with the tool belt, so she made me one, but she then ended up making one for actually everyone on the team.

But I’ve got a hammer, you know, a handy dandy wrench. And you know, a saw also useful, a megaphone, which I think has a lot to do with the fact that I talk a lot on the show. And then each of us got our own special tool and mine was a heart, so that was Alex Chamber’s daughter. So this is my current tool belt.

It has everything I need and I love it. And it’s up in the background. Usually I just sort of pull it down and show you. But yes. Okay, so tell us a little bit about yourself and, and then how you came up with Chick with the tool belt. Okay. Well, I am a keynote speaker and livestream host. I am also a speech language pathologist with.

22 plus years of experience with a private practice. I work in the public schools. I am the queen of engagement. I show up well, I showed up and never left [00:04:00] for a shout out Saturday and what’s good Wednesday? So I’m now part of that dream team and you know, the chick with the tool belt was really just an extension of things that were happening and, and it’s all an extension of showing up.

When I came onto LinkedIn, I didn’t know anything and I wasn’t there to sell anything. I, I had a job. I didn’t need LinkedIn. That was my mentality starting, and so I just showed up and I didn’t know what you were supposed to do or not supposed to do. I didn’t know about, you know, oh, post consistently. I didn’t know, don’t repost other people’s things.

I, I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to just show up and. Be yourself right there. Rules. There are no rules, but these are the things that people tell you when you start on LinkedIn. You’d be surprised. There’s a lot of things that people tell you. You know, the algorithm, whatever it is. And I just kept showing up and what I noticed was people were commenting on how.

Authentic I was how honest I was, how relatable I was, all those things. And it made me realize, or at least stop and think to realize, [00:05:00] well, if people are commenting on that, it must not happen often. Mm-hmm. So, I need to do that more. That needs to be out there because we all wear masks. We’re all living life and yet somehow nobody wants to put out there the real, snotty, ugly, you know, in between stuff.

The, the unsexy that, you know, makes the good days so good because we, we, we can have gratitude cause we’ve been through the bad. And so I was doing that in. Radiating wheels started because of that. It was about taking off the masks, showing up as we are, um, 100%, and receiving that unconditional love and acceptance from our communities.

And I’m a true believer that once you do it, you can’t go back. Right? Once, once you’ve been able to be you and, and get that from, from your community and the people you love and interact with, you don’t wanna go back. And so, Radiating reel began that journey for me that ended up with Chick with a tool belt.

And there are so many people who I am so grateful to [00:06:00] because while you start something, it’s can only be as big as people embrace it and, and, and continue it forward. Right? And so without, without people like Tim, who I see there and you know, so many others, Radiating real would’ve just been an idea and it would’ve been me, you know, sort of posting me like I had been doing.

But going through all of that and talking to friends and realizing like, okay, one of the things I’m good at is radiating real. People feel comfortable with me. And I can see it’s a how to eat an elephant thing. You tell me what you’re trying to achieve. And I have the ability to see it. Like I know what this is, what we’re gonna do, and.

To help you find what’s already in you. This is Chick with the tool belt, right? I realize I can help you find what’s already within you. We can figure out what your true, authentic voice is and how do you wanna use that? How do you wanna show up with that? Because you can find your true, authentic voice.

[00:07:00] But if we go back to putting it out there in a way that doesn’t work for us, that isn’t feeling good to us, that is. You know, too much, too little, whatever it is, fee meeting, some sort of standard, that internal report card that we all carry around, then you’re not gonna do it and it’s, you’re not gonna get the unconditional love and support because you haven’t truly.

Come to being you. And so for me, again, it’s twofold. It’s finding what’s already within you. Take that goal you have, let’s break it down. But let’s first start with what, where’s your voice? What does that voice wanna say? And how does it wanna be heard? Mm-hmm. So that was check with the tool belt. And for me it’s huge because I know that I, for years, and I will say not until I got on LinkedIn.

On LinkedIn about 10, 11 months ago, gosh, yeah. That’s when I committed to being 100% real. 100% of the time. You know, I came on and I, I didn’t know I was gonna share my story. That was not a plan. Even the day it happened, it’s not what I was [00:08:00] thinking. And in that moment of unburdening myself and realizing, even though I had been honest and open about my story with other people, I had never fully shared it.

Like publicly where it’s going to people that I don’t see, I don’t know. I’m not face to face with, I don’t know that how they’re gonna react to it. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. And when I did that, I realized how much energy it was taking me to, to thank you Russ. And I saw Alex’s and I saw Tim’s. You guys are amazing to, to hold even just a little bit of that.

Secret and wear that mask, how much more exhausting it was to do that. Like I immediately felt like I could like stand up taller and just breathe a little easier, and my energy totally shifted when I was in my truth and willing to talk about it in a different way. Right? I had talked about it before, but the response I got there was no going back again.

The way people embraced my story and the amount of times I was told how needed it was, it was no longer [00:09:00] my story. My story belonged to everyone. And my story was not just mine in the sense that yes, it was out there, but it was the story to tell for people who could not yet tell their story. Yes. Who hadn’t their voice.

Right. That’s the thing. Gives me chills every time. Cuz it’s a privilege. It is an absolute privilege to be in that position because there’s so many people and I, I don’t know, uh, I will quickly share my story after I finish this thought so people know what we’re talking about. Yeah. But there are so many people out there that.

You know, can’t share their story, aren’t ready to share their story, don’t even know they have a story or even that. It’s a powerful, impactful story. And so when I have the opportunity to have gone through what I’ve gone through, come out the other side and be able to talk about it, it’s my.

Responsibility. I’m obligated because there are people who can’t and not in a bad way, obligated. Like I love it. I love the calling, my passion, my purpose. Everything I’m doing is what I fills My heart nourishes my soul. But there are so many [00:10:00] people who just can’t and maybe never will. So being and it’s okay.

They don’t have, it’s absolutely okay. Same with radiating, realize, say you don’t have to crack your chest open and tell everything that’s ever happened to you. We are allowed our secrets, quote unquote. Right. We hold on. Radiating real is sharing what you’re comfortable not sharing everything That’s not real, right?

Right. That’s not real at all. Right? Nobody else says everything out there. So for those of you listening who may not know my story, I’m gonna give you permission to receive it however you, you do, because it’s, it’s hard to receive. And just know that I’ve had all the feelings you. Probably could have as well.

So, and it could trigger somebody, right? It could be, it could definitely be triggering. And I can tell you that there, there’s, uh, information about depression, abuse, and eating disorders. So if that’s too hard for you to listen to, I have absolutely no judgment and I respect you taking care of yourself.

But now would be a good time to mute. So my story very quickly is that I had been sexually abused by my grandfather until I was 16 years old. And at 16 years old, it [00:11:00] went into the system. I didn’t know there were laws against this. I didn’t know that, you know, it was going to go to the court system and, and be talking to people on that level.

I, I never planned to talk about it, ever, ever, ever, ever. Mine was, it was my secret. Nobody knew it. I carefully guarded it because it felt like my life depended on it. And it got unleashed on my family and, you know, people around me, you know, some court ordered therapy and, and a very insightful psychiatrist who said she can’t testify.

So I didn’t actually have to tell my story at that time to a bigger audience, so to speak. I had to share bits and pieces with, you know, the psychiatrist, which I, I was very bad at therapy, quote unquote, when it started. But I did figure out some things about therapy and if we have time, we’ll, we’ll get into those.

But, you know, I. Quickly after became anorexic. It started with restrictive eating and that kind of thing, and like, oh, this is, I’m totally in control of this. I just don’t eat cheese anymore. I’m totally in control of this. I just, you know, I will only drink things that have zero calories. I am totally in control of this, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Cut. Cutting out, cutting out, cutting [00:12:00] out. Yeah. And for me later realized that, that that pattern of eating that anorexia was me hating myself, hating my body. It betrayed me. So why would I take care of it? Why would I nourish it? Why would I feed it? It was me wanting to disappear and it was definitely a piece of control.

But I think the other, like it was all three of them working together and I did a lot of work with it. And then when my grandfather passed away, I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but I don’t remember needing to work on it the way I had before. I mean, at one point I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now, and I maybe 15 and I.

Had to eat a cookie as a homework assignment for therapy. It took me two hours and I still didn’t finish the cookie. I still couldn’t finish the cookie, come to when I’m 20 years old and I decide I’m gonna confront my grandfather. And I did that. Yeah, I did that, and in my head it was [00:13:00] like, okay, here’s my tickets of freedom.

I’m gonna go confront the person who did something wrong. I finally believed that I had done nothing wrong, right? I’d gotten through the therapy process four years to go, okay, I didn’t do anything wrong. Let me hand this to the person who’s responsible. Well, it was quite the opposite. It wasn’t a ticket to freedom.

It was devastating, and it was the trigger in my first major depressive episode because the person who was responsible. While he didn’t take full responsibility, he said he only remembered one time that he had been inappropriate with me. But having taken any responsibility, it didn’t change anything for me.

All of the stuff I was battling was still mine. He wasn’t gonna have to go to therapy. I had to go to therapy. I was the one who had to slug through it. I was the one that cried on the bathroom floor. I was the one who didn’t shower for days. Even though some it wasn’t my fault and someone else took responsibility and it triggered in me this place that I hadn’t even gone to is what if I don’t know everything?

What don’t I [00:14:00] remember? Because the example he gave was not something that I had remembered. And so do I need to know everything to heal? Can I handle knowing everything? Like it was just this big avalanche that I got buried under. And yeah, it was my first major depressive episode. I. Dropped. You know, I dropped outta school.

It took me forever to say I dropped out instead of like, I went home. No, I dropped outta school. I couldn’t handle it. And I was home for a while and then eventually, there’s a whole nother story there and we only have so much time, but I eventually transferred to UCLA and that was sort of a trial at life cuz my brother lived out here and it was like, okay, I’m gonna go do a summer session, I’m gonna take two classes and let’s.

See how I do something for everyone to remember is your story goes with you from it. Yeah. You can’t outrun your story. You cannot outrun your story. So just, uh, again, whole whole other conversation and I am happy to go there or come back. But, you know, there’s just so many things. And then I got to, you know, thinking I was okay.

I was in grad school, I met my, you know, ex-husband, and then I got [00:15:00] married and I had the house and we had the friends that came over and gathered. And what I was really good at was creating the picture and wearing the mask. And it wasn’t until 16 years into my marriage that I realized that I had recreated the dynamic, the emotional dynamic of my abuse relationship, and my ex-husband is not a bad man at all.

Is it’s, it’s what I was good at. It’s what I knew, and so I can do it. So there’s, there’s a lot about Nancy Barrows. There were some about how Chick with the tool belt came out. There’s about my story. Yeah. Being on LinkedIn a bit about what I’m passionate about is that I, everybody has a powerful story and when we find our way to tell it, and it’s time, it’s just a very powerful thing for us as individuals, but those around us as well to inspire others and give them permission stories or affirmations.

Right. They affirm. That we are more alike than different. They affirm that, you know, we matter. They affirm that we are connected to something bigger. You know, they af affirm, affirm. Like I said, that we all have a purpose and a place and a power [00:16:00] in our own stories. So for me, again, I’m very passionate about being real.

I post on social media when I’m super, super happy and I have posted when, you know, like, man, oh man, you know, I’ve got mascara around my eyes cuz I was exhausted and didn’t. Take off makeup before I went to bed the night before. Or When you say social media, you mean LinkedIn, the professional network, right?

Right. So let’s talk about how professional is personal. I, I, I believe that a thousand percent. And I know the people out here that will gravitate to you and gravitate to me understand how that’s so important that we are humans first. Yeah. And we want to be with someone. We trust someone we know when we’re doing business, right?

We want someone who knows us, who knows. We know who they are. We know their values, their spirit. All of that is really important, right? Because there are plenty of people, I call myself a Sherpa cuz I’m just journeying with you and showing you the way. But if we use the word coach, right? Mm-hmm. There are a lot of coaches out there.

Right. There are a lot of coaches helping people find their voice. There are a lot of coaches helping people show up on social media. There’s a [00:17:00] ton of us. Why me? Mm-hmm. What makes me different? I have to show people. Mm-hmm. I can tell them, but I have to show them what makes me different. Because there’s an abundance.

It doesn’t matter if everyone’s doing what I’m doing, even if they’re doing it the exact same way. There’s something about each and every one of us is individuals. Right. That resonates with someone. Yeah. And so the people who are meant to find me will find me. And the people who are meant to find other people to find their success, they’re gonna find those people.

And that’s important. Yeah. Yeah. That’s important to find that fit. I feel like you guys, I will go back and comment. I promise. I we love you. Aw. We love you. Do you happen to be on a, um, on a podcast, a live show, and that’s when you just started to share your story? I. Yeah, so I came on to LinkedIn. My best friend Raquel actually sort of said, Hey, LinkedIn family, my best friend’s on LinkedIn.

And I had had a profile for years and she had been telling me there’s this amazing community, you’re missing out. It’s more than you think it is. And so [00:18:00] she finally just threw me in the deep end and man, oh man, I couldn’t have imagined. It’s still sort of like a pinch myself thing, where like you all showed up.

Mm-hmm. These amazing humans showed up and without knowing me, were DMing me and connecting to me. And, Hey Nancy, welcome. And then it just kept going. It just kept going. And so what happened with my story was there was a telethon for the X XO Connect platform, which is Jason Leitz. It was 24 hours and I was on with re johns, and I heard myself speaking about my childhood trauma and my childhood trauma, and a voice in the back of my head said, Nancy, you are part of the problem.

If you won’t say it. How do you expect anyone else to talk about it? Yeah. Next breath. I’m telling my story. I remember calling my family afterwards and being like, Hey, um, I hope you’re okay with this, because I just did. You know, it was no like forewarning and I am so blessed my family, and if [00:19:00] you’ve heared me speak before my, the relationship with my mom and dad are, is just, I’m so, I am grateful for everything I’ve been through.

All of the, it’s an adult program. All of the shit and all of the good because all the shit made me who I am. The shit brought me closer with my mom and dad. The shit that gives me the ability to sit with someone when they’re in the hole and just crawling with them and be like, okay, I’m here. You are not alone.

I may not be able to fix this, but you are not gonna go through this alone. But I called my mom and you know, I hadn’t talked to them about this stuff in a really long time. It wasn’t something in my life. They probably thought you were over it. Yeah. And that that was the thing is they like, we just.

Wasn’t a topic of conversation, and there were times before I started talking about that. I would forget it happened. Now, if you told me at 21, I felt like I was broken beyond repair, if this wouldn’t be part of my identity for the rest of my life, I would’ve told you, hahaha, you’re funny. This is definitely I am.

I’m gonna be someone who survived. You know, childhood sexual abuse turned into a woman [00:20:00] who’s thriving after it. I didn’t even know that was possible, but because I had. Sort of moved through it and, and built this life and gone through other, other, you know, uphill climbs with the, with the skills I took with me.

I’m grateful. And so when I talked to my mom, because it was her father, and it took me a long time because I was going through it and surviving and getting healed, I didn’t think about the fact that my mom and dad and my brother, every, everyone went through the, the trauma with me. You know, I think about my mom and dad, that my mom, it’s her dad.

It’s her daughter. As a parent, not pre being able to protect your child, not knowing this was going on, ah, like wanting to kill him. Like, you know, that kind of primal instinct. And so when I said to my mom I was nervous, cuz typically my mom is, you know? Mm-hmm. We don’t, we don’t have to talk about that to other people, not within the family and.

She said to me that she was so proud of me and she told me for the first time that she was worried when she saw me in the psychiatrist’s [00:21:00] office, like that court ordered therapy. They came with me for one session that she was worried I wasn’t gonna make it. Oh my God. And so the fact that I was out there telling my story, she said to her was the biggest gift I could give.

That what a what? A mom. That’s awesome. That’s awesome. Yeah. And why was that? Like the. The most freeing moment when you told your story? Well, and then my dad was amazing too. Let’s give dad credit here also. Yeah. So dad’s on the phone. I say, you know, dad, are you okay with it? Because it’s not just on LinkedIn, it’s on social media.

Other places where their friends see it and other people who’ve known me see it. And my dad said, if anyone has a problem with it and they wanna come to me and say, Hey, your daughters did you know your daughter’s talking about this? You said, I’ll tell ’em. Yeah, that’s my kick ass girl. So they were wonderful.

They were wonderful. And you know, it’s sort of once. You get past the fear, and I can’t say the, the fear was, gosh, if I had been able to step out of the fear and thought about my [00:22:00] parents, the relationship, how they’ve always related to me and how they’ve always wanted me to be happy and I wouldn’t have had any fear, right?

The I, the way they reacted was exactly the way they would react cuz I told them over the phone from a summer program that my grandfather had been sexually abusing me. And if they could survive that, Right me talking about it shouldn’t be, you know, like this whole thing. But I had built it up in my head and yeah, you know, what’s anchoring us?

What’s anchoring us? What’s anchoring us? For me it’s often fear, you know, it’s fear and the anxiety that comes with that. And so it did allow me to do that. And you know, told my brother and my sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews, you know, just, and it’s funny cause my nieces and nephews knew sort of the story.

It’s sort of like, how much do you need to tell them? But you need to tell them. Because they’re out there in the world, you know, potentially coming into contact with people who could hurt them, but also, I mean, allies for others, friends of their statistics. Uh, statistics say that [00:23:00] someone, they know more than one, someone has been sexually abused, assaulted, what?

Somewhere along that spectrum. Wow. Right. And what did you, what did you did? So you’re talking about how, what you thought, like people in your family might think. Were you concerned about like what your friends might think or about people who don’t know? You might think like how they would judge you or was that not peace of it?

That wasn’t piece of it. Because people who don’t, you know, people who don’t know me, their approval doesn’t matter to me. Mm-hmm. You don’t like it. Don’t watch me. Yeah, don’t do my post. That’s fine. People who already knew me, if you couldn’t handle my truth. Thank you so much. Thanks for playing. You know.

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. Because when I went through my divorce, I lost my entire community because I was showing up real. You know, I had never, I had always shown up, period. I was not the person who said, no, I’m not coming to your kid’s birthday party. Not the person who didn’t go to dinner, not the person who didn’t invite you over.

And I was so [00:24:00] going through so much and so really depressed and I didn’t wanna show up why I didn’t wanna show up in. The same space as my newly separated or ex-husband and act like everything was okay. I didn’t know at that time that I was radiating real, but my thing is I’m not showing up at your seven year old’s birthday party with my ex-husband there and smiling and eating cake.

Like everything is fine cuz it’s not. It’s absolutely not. And what I learn is there are people that will take a step forward and there are people that will take a step back when you don’t show up the way you normally do or when you are struggling or whatever that. Line in the sand is for them and my people.

The people who were in my life at that time, took one huge step back. I had someone say to me, you said this was gonna make you happy, then why aren’t you happy? First of all, I never said it was gonna make me happy. You said it was the right thing to do. It was the right choice. And there’s a little lie.

We’re told that every good choice is gonna feel good in your tummy. You’re gonna know right choice. It’s gonna feel good. No, sometimes it’s [00:25:00] excruciating, but it doesn’t mean it’s not right. You know, I had that come up. I had people just saying like, well, you stopped showing up. Well, Like, did you not think what you were asking me to do?

And hey, have you ever gone through a divorce in my life? Hey, have you ever gone through a divorce? Cuz you seem to know exactly how I should act and what I should do while I’m going through this and I’m failing cuz I’m not meeting your standards. And so that was a place where I think that it was very painful lesson, but I thanked the universe because I had very limited energy.

And I was doing my best to try and keep up with these people, my friends and the universe just said, mm-hmm. That’s exhausting. Yeah. Cuz I’m, I’m getting nothing back and they don’t wanna be here, so go. So I wasn’t really worried about that. And I had also had many positive experiences of telling people that I knew.

And nothing changing. And I, I talk about it in my keynote that there’s a turning point for me in my journey when after I had [00:26:00] transferred to UCLA and I met three women, I met more than three women. But these three women were, were my anchoring point for change. Raquel Boris, who a lot of you know, Courtney Franklin, I think you’ve been introduced to, and Candace span, Dr.

Candace Span. And why I say they were my anchoring point for change was they were my catalyst because. I showed them, me, took my mask off completely. And what they offered me was unconditional love and acceptance. They didn’t freak out. They didn’t run away. They didn’t look at me with pity. Nothing changed.

And that was your friends? Yeah. Those are my true friends. And I realize these people are out there. Right. These PE I can be me and there are gonna be people who can handle that. Cuz that was a big thing. Nobody can handle this, who can handle this, who can handle me? No. There are people. And that’s when I, I shifted and, and not to say it went perfectly without bumps.

There was three steps forward, five steps back. There were one step forward, [00:27:00] seven steps back. I mean, it’s just part of the process. Keeping some perspective on it was helpful is that, you know, okay, well. I am getting opportunities to use my new skills. Yes, I’m back for, I feel like I’m back further than when I started, you know, this last round.

But I am, I’m standing up and moving forward, so, ha ha ha. Yeah, I’m not, I just spent, uh, last week my two roommates from the Naval Academy came and visited me. And it was so fun. I mean, I’ve known them since we were 18, right? Yeah. Since July 7th, 1981 is how long I’ve known them. And we spent time, uh, together for our 40th birthday and then our 50th.

And we were planning what we’re gonna do for our 60th and a couple years. And I told them that, I’ve told you what I’m gonna say when I go live coming up, I’m gonna, it’s gonna be on November 11th, veterans Day is the day I’m gonna do it, and it’s gonna be in my calendar. It’s gonna be the truth. We’ll set you free.

I’m there. You know, I’m there because I feel like how can I lead the onward [00:28:00] movement, which is similar to your rating, radi radiating reel, but it’s more, it’s more like we’re here to embrace authenticity, release the fear of judgment. Mm-hmm. So that you can create the life of your dreams with confidence.

Absolutely. We’re our almost enemies of the judgment. I can’t lead that until I set myself free. Yeah. I totally, I totally get that. And I’m so incredibly proud of you because sharing our truths, it’s not easy. Even if you’ve done it a bunch of times, it’s, even if you’ve done it a bunch of times with several pieces and parts of your story, every time there’s that bit of fear that’s like, yeah, this is gonna be the one that everybody’s gonna be like, forget it.

I can’t. You’re gonna have no followers on leave. And you know, the reality is that’s our biggest fear screaming at us. And for people who are not ready to tell everything again, in your time, in your way, I don’t feel inauthentic because there may be parts of [00:29:00] my story that I haven’t shared. Right. You know, maybe there’s details people just don’t need to know and they’re not helpful.

Right. Right. They’re just right. You don’t, there’s certain things or there’s things that like, I’m just not ready for the world to know. Yeah. And maybe I never will be. And that’s okay. That is totally okay. And there are people like you, Emily, and, and you know, I struggle with it too. It’s like I. Can I be what you know, am I leading by example?

Lynn says, unconditional love and acceptance is a wonderful thing to have in friendships. Divorce is no fun. Nancy and Emily, I know. Yep, yep. Good for you both. For showing the way forward. Wow. Yeah, definitely. It was not easy and I will say that I was the one who initiated divorce and I think that’s why friends judged me.

This is what you wanted, right? This is what you did this. Yeah. Well, again, I, I will say to this days, I woke up every day and felt like I failed as a wife because I did not give the human by my side the love, unconditional love and acceptance that he deserved [00:30:00] neither of us, you know, like to, to wake up every day and feel, but to know that you’re doing that to another human being was unacceptable to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I could no longer do it. Thank you, Lynn. Appreciate the, but this is exactly it. So here I am telling my story and look at the feedback, right? This is more often what you get, and certainly you need to be quote unquote prepared for the people whose fear gets ignited.

Like it just roars up, like right bonfire, because that’s where they come from. When they come at you, you’re making them uncomfortable. They want to go back to being comfortable. It’s not all about you. It’s about something within them. You know, whenever some, when I’ve learned this too, as on my self-awareness journey, the past two and a half years, whenever something is triggered in us by someone else.

We tend to blame them, but really we need to look within ourselves. Look, why? Why is that why proofing me, right? Why did [00:31:00] that, why did that bring up so much for me? It’s not about me. Hmm. Interesting. What’s on, right? And I always say, no, don’t be judgment. Like no judgment. Be curious about one another. And the reality is you need to have that same attitude about yourself, like, hmm, rather than be judgmental about, oh my God, I can’t believe I did that.

That was so da, da da. No. Be curious. Why is that coming up? For me, why, why am I feeling this way? And I’ve, I do it all the time. I, I, when I’m starting to feel irritable and snappy, like, okay, it’s couldn’t be that everyone in my life is, you know, whatever it is that my, that day. Right? Like, why is everybody, Nope.

The common thread, it’s me. Yeah. And you gotta, you gotta be willing to look inside, right? Because if I’m the one that’s the same in every situation. Right. It’s not that I’m the problem, but I’m the piece that needs to be looked at. I’m the piece that is coming from a place that is [00:32:00] not matching what’s happening in the moment.

And sometimes that’s really hard to look at yourself and see that. But one of the things I coach on is looking at patterns in our lives and I’ve, I have a lot of patterns that I didn’t really become aware of until a coach, you know, different ones until a coach called me out on it or, or help me see it.

Mm-hmm. Sometimes it takes somebody else to help you see it. I think the same is true for healthy patterns. Yeah, that’s true. So look, okay, people look for your healthy patterns. I’m giving you some homework. What are your healthy patterns? Give yourself credit for those. Where else can you use those patterns?

Where can you harness these pieces and parts and skills that you have to? I don’t know. I always, I have, I have a whole family system in my head, but I always think of it like the night and the gatekeeper that when those, when those negative thoughts come up, there’s the like, you know, like, no, sorry, this is, we don’t do this around here.

And that’s that voice, right? All those skills. All those good patterns I [00:33:00] have get a chance to come out and, and play, you know, show up and do it differently. That’s, again, if you do it differently and more times you do it differently, the more it’s gonna become a habit. But I challenge you to make a list cuz we tend to look at the negative of all of the great patterns that you, that you use have in your life and serve lovely, wonderful purposes.

Yeah. And all the things that you’re grateful for and people that you’re grateful for and you know, I always like my gratitude starts with, I’m grateful that I don’t have to think about breathing right there. I know some days it feels like you can’t find a thing, but if I had one more thing to think about, this is my right.

If I had one more thing to think about, if I had to think about breathing right, even in my sleep, like forget it. I couldn’t do it. So thank you. I’m so grateful that that is not on my plate. You spend your Saturdays about four hours of your Saturday on this live show on LinkedIn. That usually gets, I don’t know, like 20,000 comments or something on it.

We actually just broke the 4,000 mark this [00:34:00] past Saturday. Oh my gosh. The coolest thing about it was the last 30 minutes. Were the last gosh thousand, and then we had like three minutes left in the show and just shouted out, Hey, can we get it over 4,000 in the last three minutes? And in three minutes with so much fun.

By the way, the end of that show, I rewatched it last night. I was hysterical because people were throwing out like, okay, so name, animals name, pets name, ocean animals, you know, people started naming random jobs or like there there was engagement that wasn’t. It was true engagement cause we were all playing off of each other and loving it and working together to get to that mark.

And so that shows incredible. Always. I mean, shout out Saturday. Yes. Four hours. It’s nine A starts. 9:00 AM Pacific standard time and it is a place to come. Have fun. Mm-hmm. Relax, be accepted. Get support. Be a part of your family, show up however you are. We social distance, we talk about cereal and cartoons because as [00:35:00] adults we need to be kids again.

Once in a while we need to stay in touch with that, but we’ve also had really amazing moments where people come on and they need their community and they know if you show up, your community is there, your community is there, and if you’re new, most amazing thing, you are immediately welcomed as family.

That’s the, that’s the tribe around that show. And what’s good Wednesday as well. It’s the same, what’s Good Wednesday, which is 6:00 PM Pacific Standard time every Wednesday. And again, one an example of how this works, it used to be at 11:00 AM for 175 shows, that show is at 11:00 AM and when I went back to work, I worked in the public school system.

I couldn’t do the show anymore, and I just, I was really depressed about it. It really. It really hurt my heart and I, I wasn’t even anticipating that. Like I knew I’d be sad to miss it. I love it. Know that you just invited yourself on anyway, right? Right, exactly. I had just showed up and didn’t go away, but Tim son, you’re out there.

I’m gonna say both names in case people don’t know Tim son. Who has the biggest heart con, [00:36:00] you know, got together with Brian and, and said to Brian like, maybe, maybe we can move the time of the show so Nancy could be there. You know, and Brian said to Tim, Tim, that’s late for you cuz it goes to 11 o’clock his time.

And, and I don’t know that I’ve ever had anybody say something. That. Yeah, I got my heart more. I’m gonna leave it there cause I don’t have the words, but he said, yeah, it is late for him and his energy won’t be the same, but he knows it will make my heart happy. He knew it would make my heart happy. And so 175 shows later, we moved it.

We moved it. It was decided to be moved to the evening time, that 6:00 PM Pacific Standard time. And again, you wanna talk about a community? I’m the girl who just showed up and wouldn’t go away, and the whole show was moved. So that I can continue to be a part of it. Mm-hmm. And that is just an incredible type of love and understanding of one another.

And I found that on LinkedIn. I didn’t know Brian or Tim before LinkedIn. Yeah. [00:37:00] And you’ve met Brian in person, but not Tim, right? Not yet. I’m dying. I have, I, I have a travel fund. Is what I started for Tim, because, you know, we’ve got this March 20, 22 thing, and not that he can’t pay for it, but I’ve decided that that’s, I’m putting away money.

Mm-hmm. And I put away money and I, it’s every time that I get to see people in person, part of my gratitude ritual is to put away money so that I can buy him that ticket for March, 2022. Oh, that’s awesome. It’s, yeah. With Covid, so many people haven’t been able to see people in person and, uh, It’s tough. It is really hard.

It’s really hard and we are so lucky, honestly, and we take for granted, we tend to focus, I guess naturally our brains do this, which I don’t know why. Why somebody help me. Why do we prepare for the worst and not the best? Why do we go to that place, right of. Go immediately to the negative. I can’t touch you, so I’m not with you.

Well, I have been alone sitting right next to someone. Yeah. [00:38:00] So we forget that. You know, when I went to college, I had to write a letter. I. To my friends that were in college or pick up the phone and time it because I was paying whatever a minute. Yeah. To talk to them where they were. And I can pick up my phone and I can video chat anytime and I can be with people and I don’t feel alone.

Yeah. And to me, that’s huge. That’s such a privilege. It’s hard. We’re not with each other in the ways we’re used to being with one another. But again, a friendship was made without ever meeting. These people face-to-face. Mm-hmm. In person. We were face-to-face and we shared and we knew one another because we had this, we had the technology to see one another, be face-to-face talk, text, all of it.

And so while it’s so easy to focus on the fact that we haven’t, we come back to the fact that wow. How alone would’ve I have been? Would I have been, if this was 10, 15 years ago? Oh, it would’ve been, yeah. A lot. And Brian and, [00:39:00] uh, Tim met out in, on the east coast. Right. And then they Yes. Yes. Called you and they took you along through their whole day.

You particip I know, through video chat. Right. I was with them the whole day. My, my favorite part of it is they went out for dinner and they sat on one side of the table and they set me up on a tripod in a chair across the table. As if I was sitting there having dinner with them. There’s so many cool things we can do, right?

That the ability to be together is just, I’ve done virtual happy hours with people. I’ve celebrated baby showers. I’ve, you know, and in a way there’s things that I wouldn’t have been able to do at all without this technology. So, yeah. You know, the fact that I could be with Tim and Brian, that was a drive, right?

That was a drive. That’s something we could have been able to do. For a long time now, but I never would’ve been able to be a part of it without the video piece of it. And so it’s hard. We tend, I, I love you Tim. He says he started a travel fund for you guys, just [00:40:00] buy each other tickets. There you go. We’re just gonna be Exactly.

Gonna keep traveling cross country when it’s safe. But yeah, that, that opportunity to be places, baby showers, like I said, weddings that I wouldn’t have been able to go to, I wouldn’t have been able to travel to and I would’ve missed out on. Yeah. So, This technology’s been there. This is, I know it had been there bef, you know, with, uh, zoom and everything.

And my roommates and I from the academy, we didn’t talk to each other that much. You know, I mean, we text every once in a while and then when Covid hit, we like had a meeting every other week where we got together. I mean, it brought us together even more. So I have a very similar experience with my two college roommates.

Mm-hmm. And we made the time for it. Yeah. You know, we just made the time for, whereas before, it’s like everybody’s so busy and it could go weeks, maybe months or whatever. You know, you have those friendships that you don’t have to touch and they’re just, they, you pick up where you left off. But you know, this has been there and it took a pandemic to remind me that I don’t have to spend time apart from the people I love just because, yeah.[00:41:00] 

We can’t be in the same room. Maria, what my 66 year old mom said about seeing everyone daily thanks to technology. Wow. An 86 year old mom said that about technology. Yeah. I just, I have a, a, a client who’s 87. We FaceTimed today and did I love it. I, I had a little bit of a, a need for a tall glass of wine after teaching my parents how to, you know, but yeah, it’s, it’s, Yeah, I, I, I won’t say I’m a person who doesn’t get stuck in sad or dark and twisty or, you know, why me I visit that place, I’m human, but I absolutely, you know, I return to the gratitude and I re return to the positive.

And if you’ve ever done it before, it feels a lot better to think of a positive. Even if it feels like it doesn’t change anything. It is changing something, and it feels better than focusing on the negative. Yeah. Yeah. So tell us some of the, uh, most vulnerable radi radiating reel posts that you have shared.

[00:42:00] Oh, okay. Well, my very first radiating reel post was very vulnerable because I, I, I had taken several of them in the morning and again, our report card, I didn’t think I looked bad enough to post them. And the reality is, I actually wake up pretty mm-hmm. Talk to me after the stress of my day. Right? Yeah. I would’ve taken one, like getting in bed at night, then maybe like, okay, I would’ve been radiating real.

But I really was sort of like this, how is this so vulnerable? I, I, I look like me, you know? I really wanted to bring something out that showed that I was. Willing to be as brave as everyone else who had done it and it wasn’t working. So I posted the picture and in the back of my head was, this is, this is, you know, this seems like a cop out.

This looks fine. What risk are you taking? And I actually had someone say to me, they sent me a message saying, all right, I’m, I’m calling bullshit. You used to filter. Mm-hmm. And I had not. And that was my biggest fear. So what a lesson. [00:43:00] I was confronted with my biggest fear. I went back to the person and said, I absolutely did not.

And the fact that you, you know, someone who knows me so well would think that first of all, like, gosh, have I damaged the integrity of this whole movement? Cuz people are out there looking at that picture going, oh yeah, right? That’s touched up. As you can see, I just don’t have the best technology. So soft focus for all.

But that, and it just was, you know, someone who knows me so well, not n. Thinking I could do that, thinking I would do that was incredibly painful. And so that was a, a very vulnerable post followed by a ver, another very vulnerable post that was me crying and me talking about, you know, hey, on social media, women are expected to be perfect.

We can’t do this to one another. I’ve had to apologize for being pretty in my life and I don’t want to, and I’m not going to anymore. I have been judged for being pretty. I [00:44:00] have been taken down or attempted to be taken down. You know, people who try like sort of knock you down, take you down repeatedly by other women who could see the beauty in me, but couldn’t see it in themselves.

And I was just stunned. So I just laid it all out on the table. And that was pretty vulnerable too. And again, such great engagement that went far beyond my situation. And to me that’s the beauty of, you know, LinkedIn is everybody was bringing their experiences and getting what they needed from the comments going back and forth.

Other ones that are with that friend. I did. Yes. So I, the whole story is that friend saw the post and actually took resp. I guess I don’t have to say that friend, cuz she took Raquel. Boris, my best friend, was the one who did it and she took responsibility for it. And what a beautiful, it became such a beautiful thing.

So here I am, but in myself behind that and never admitted it. Totally. Nobody. And I didn’t say, I didn’t say who it was in my post, and I said several people I didn’t. I kept it as like, Nope, you’re not gonna know. But you know, again, I spoke my truth. [00:45:00] She responded. She knew, she then knew I had, I had sent her a message prior to posting it, but mm-hmm.

She then took responsibility, which is a big step for most people. Yes. Especially when you’ve effed up. Right. When you’ve done something that feels big and bad, she got vulnerable saying it was about her insecurities, and she offered the most beautiful apology, heartfelt apology, and we were closer because of it.

And she radiated real. Oh, Amanda, did she radiate real? Yeah. And so those are the first two that come to mind. I mean, there are others where, you know, I haven’t slept or there’s a cat on my head, or, you know. Yeah. I just, and, and I’m, I’m lucky because the more I do it, the less vulnerable I feel because my community continues to show up mm-hmm.

For me and each other. And my fear is worth it. I am willing to handle my fear for the what [00:46:00] comes out of it in the engagement, in the comments, how people are supporting one another. Again, I tell my story for people who can’t yet tell theirs, so somebody else is probably out there thinking, man, I’ve had to, I’ve had to play down my pretty.

Mm-hmm. I’ve had to play down my pretty, and it sucks. Like I, I’m sorry. Like I, I’ve had people hate me cuz I’m pretty incompetent. Like, I, I’m sorry. Like, what am I supposed to do about that? I don’t hate you because you’re not like, I don’t look at it that way. It’s like the, who we are is not about the outside.

I, I say all the time if I was to go blind I would know. I would still know my people if I didn’t see them. Cuz I can feel their heart. The outside isn’t what’s important. And granted, I know I’m lucky. It’s helped me in ways too, but that, that was big. And the more that I do it, the. The less scared I feel.

And when I hit that post, like you know that real post, yeah. For something vulnerable, I actually tend to like smile and get a little giddy because there’s gonna be someone out there that hears it at the right time and almost always, at least one person in the comment said, I needed to [00:47:00] hear this today.

And that’s all that matters. You’re sending it out with a positive birth burst of energy instead of. Yes. Yeah. Go, go be free. Go reach those people who need to hear it and you know, again, start the conversations. Let’s have the conversation. And if my posting it and my vulnerability starts the conversation, I.

It’s mine to thank everyone else. Thank them. Right. For showing up and engaging and and embracing. Yeah. That’s awesome. So I’ve got some banners here, which is how people can reach you. So the chick with the tool belt, you have a LinkedIn company page? I do. This is a big step forward for me. And so if anyone has tips on how to, you know, I don’t know how to.

Launch this baby, baby Instagram. Yes. Vibing with Nancy, Deborah? Yes, please. And you have connect. Yes. And just to let everyone know, the reason it’s not consistent is I’m a public school educator and it’s, it’s, it’s [00:48:00] a full-time do job dodging students and, and parents and families so that I can remain real on social media and make sure those people aren’t seeing my, my content.

Yeah, that’s tough. And you’ve got a YouTube channel, which is a long link that I’m posting on here, but just go and search Nancy Barrows. Nancy Barrows, yes. Right. Yes. You’ll see, um, here’s your email. Yes. That you tool belt gmail.com And you’re offering people watching this or listening to it later? When I publish it as a regular episode.

A complimentary 15 minute coaching session. Yes. And it doesn’t even have to be coaching like. Come talk to me. Let’s get to know one another. Like I’m more than happy. Bring something and we can talk about it. But I would love the op. I mean, I never have too many good people in my network. And every human is worth 15 minutes.

So book something on there. Let’s just have a conversation. Yeah. Get to know Nancy. Yeah. So, yeah. That’s awesome. [00:49:00] What kinds of things do you coach on? You mentioned it at the beginning, but let’s just go over that one more time as we’re wrapping up. Sure. So you know the big. Pieces of this are people come with, you know, their goals or feeling stuck.

A lot of times it’s people feeling stuck and frustrated. I’m doing this, I’m doing this, I’m doing this, and it’s not happening. Well, let’s talk about how you’re doing it. Is it authentic to you? Are you, you know, showing a bit of your personality and are you comfortable going there? Are you like, what’s holding you back?

So let’s journey first inside, which I know sounds a lot of woowoo for people, but you’d be surprised how when you are ready, it’s right at the surface. It’s right there ready to go, right? But let’s find your voice, find how you. Want to be perceived. How you want to put yourself out in the world and you know, be real and, and, and let people see you in a way that’s comfortable for you at a pace that’s comfortable for you.

And then let’s eat that elephant one bite at a time, because whatever it is that you’re trying to do, I had a friend come to me who, you know, she’s taken the, the [00:50:00] college career path and is miserable. Mm-hmm. And what she loves to do is bake. And after a couple of conversations, she is actually has her company Bread and Butter Bakery, bread and butter.

Joy. I should check that she’s going to a sh like an expo this weekend with it. A couple of months after we talked, and I will say one of the biggest gifts I got in coaching was she said at the end of that session, you know, when you started talking about like content and posting, she goes like, I panicked.

I don’t have anything to post. I don’t have anything to say. She goes, and now after talking to you, I feel like, like I have a year’s worth of content. I have things that are interesting and important, and I thought, yes, that’s it. Being with people when they, in that moment, Right when they find themselves and they go, wait a second, I do have something to say and I wanna say it.

That is just, ah, like we get to compare ourselves. You know, we say, Ooh, look Nancy. She knows exactly what to post and say and, and then look at that person and [00:51:00] then look at all the likes under that person’s post. And I’m not good enough. I don’t have anything to share. So we play small. Right. Stop playing small and if you are posting something, here’s a call to action.

You are gonna post something, even if it’s a screenshot from this show. And you, you talk about what the conversation was, that’s your first, you never wanna do that. Yeah. That’s your first step into being vulnerable. Hey, I engaged in this conversation about personal content and it got me thinking or made me feel this way.

Right. Hey, there’s your first step into, or if you’ve already done it, there’s another, another way to do it. But, you know, get the conversation going and know that. I forgot where I started. See, it’s never pro. Oh, tag me. You were gonna get unconditional love and support. Tag me. I will be there. DM me. I just posted this with a link and ah, please.

I’ve done that. I’ve Allow me the privilege, please. It’s always welcomed. Yeah, that’s. Well, thank you so much for [00:52:00] being on the Onward Podcast, Lindsay. I really appreciate it and thank you for saying that you’ll be there on uh, November 11th when I go live and, uh, share some things. I’m gonna be with my coach.

She’s gonna be kind of chatting with me, interviewing me, and, uh, I love that you got the support, so it’s such a smart way to do it. Again, another important point, you don’t have to do it alone. No, there’s nothing that says that you have to just put yourself out there on by yourself. All by your little lone and self and feel that vulnerable, you are allowed to have your people around you.

Yeah. And if you’re nervous about doing it, one place to do it too is, you know, in the Onward Movement group face, if you’re on Facebook, it’s a Facebook group that I lead. There’s like 1400 people in there, and we, we share some vulnerable things and it’s a group of people who are looking to create a life that they love to release the fear of judgment, embrace all their authentic selves, and create a life they love living.

So, you know, follow people that you, that you resonate with. There’s lots of coaches out there, like Nancy said, and when you’re looking for a coach interview or talk with [00:53:00] people and, and see how you’re feeling about them, don’t just go with the coach cuz your friend has that same coach or whatever. And it doesn’t make me a bad coach if I did a great job with your friend, but you don’t, I don’t resonate with you.

Yeah. It’s again, it’s that abundance mentality. This is a relationship you’re getting into. Mm-hmm. And you know, from the start, typically like, am I gonna be able to be honest with this person? Right. Because I don’t wanna, it’s hard for me to sell myself to begin with, but I certainly don’t want anyone paying me to hide from me.

Yeah. Feeling they can’t be themselves. That’s right. And it’s not, I can’t help. I can’t help. And that’s okay. There’s somebody who can, or when you’re ready and there, but it’s just, I, I say to people all the time, as a speech language pathologist, I say to parents, we’re all trained the same way. We all get the same number of hours, but we’re not all the same people.

Yeah. So you’ve gotta find the person. The person that you’re comfortable working with, especially if it’s your child, you know? And I have families come to me like, we didn’t do the homework. I’m like, [00:54:00] okay, how many times have I told you you need to live life? And if you didn’t do it exactly right, it’s fine.

You survived. You made it here, you got out the door, whatever. It was like, it’s okay. It’s not mine to get mad about, it’s ours to be curious about together and figure out why. Thank you, Nancy, for being my guest on the Onward podcast. I really appreciate you. I appreciate that you’ve shown up in my life, and I hope I help you by showing up in yours.

Thank you to all of my onward Podcast listeners, for those of you who join in the live stream, and for those of you who listen to the episode as the regular podcast, I appreciate all of you, and as I’ve said before in my outros, I’d love to meet you. So please go to my website, Emily Harmon, h a r m a n.com, and click on the tab to schedule a meeting with me and let’s just talk, tell me what you like about the Onward podcast.

Tell me [00:55:00] how I can make it even better for you. I’d love to hear from you. I’d love to meet you, and if you’re interested in learning about my coaching programs, you can also go to the offering tab of my website and you can see. Some of the programs that I offer, and we can just have a coaching, have coaching sessions and not follow a particular program.

So that’s another reason to schedule a call with me if you’re interested in coaching, and we can put together a program to fit your needs.