How to Lead with Your Personal Power: with Confidence, Ease & Flow

[00:00:00] Nature moves in many ways, so changes generations. Or a shift in the wind, A body dormant underground. This world is right. Welcome to Onward Live. A live stream focused on encouraging you to create a life you love living. Now let’s go beyond success to significance. Being clear on our why is crucial. It requires doing the inner work, finding ourselves, getting to know ourselves, embracing our inner child, shedding social conditioning, and letting go of perfect.

We [00:01:00] know obstacles make us stronger. We can dream big and take action. Believe you. And you’re halfway there. I invite you to tune in every week and engage with me and my inspiring guests. Invite your friends, Let’s make time for what matters most in our lives. Let’s move on together.

Thank you for joining us. So it’s, uh, you can tell the time’s changing. It’s already dark outside. getting to be fall, I’m praying. I’m sure everyone is. For all the people that are in Florida, [00:02:00] going through the, the hurricane right now. Lots of, uh, stress on their minds, I’m sure.

And. I have, I have a lot of friends down there and, uh, relatives too. So I hope, everybody’s okay. I’m excited to bring in my guest today, Pam Reyes. And we’re gonna even probably talk about a little bit about how we met, um, cuz we actually meet now, like every other Monday and, you know, hold each other accountable.

Getting stuff done, which is sometimes when you work alone or work by yourself as as a coach, you’re running your own business at home alone. It’s kind of, you’re like, Well, who do I talk to? Who do I, who’s on my team? Who can I work with? And Pam and I do that a lot. So let me bring Pam in. Hi, Pam. Hey Emily.

How are you? I’m, I’m awesome. So, um, you are the founder [00:03:00] of Living Out Loud Coaching and Consulting, and you’re a high performance mental fitness coach, and you’re a natural at engaging audiences, which is why, and I know that, and that’s why I’m excited to have you here. You lead workshops, you present as a keynote speaker.

You help companies cultivate engagement based management at internal seminar. And you’ve got over 20 years of experience in leadership roles in corporate America and. You are an expert at helping people see what they do best and then helping them create a vision for their personal and professional life, or their team and their business so they can take it to the next level.

And to me, that’s all about like creating a life you love living, which is the topic of this show. It’s like, you know, do figuring out would you do best and do that and then delegate the other stuff to other people. And it makes life more an ease and flow, right. For sure. You know, it’s so interesting because we always have this, no pain, no gain, right?

Come on, Emily. [00:04:00] You came from being in the service and that what, what ends up happening is like, Oh, come on. No pain, no gain, and that is bogus. That’s, you know, that’s a, that is a lie and a self-fulfilling prophecy that we can actually get still caught up in. Yeah. And one of the things that I love about when, um, when I was in corporate America, of course I was bought right into that and I was proving, pleasing and forming my way to success in a multitude of, um, organizations and in global roles.

And it was stressful. It was hard. Until someone, one of my HR business partners had, um, helped us to build a bench strength in, you know, the leadership in Latin America. And we took what was called, and this was like, okay, I’m dating myself probably 18 years ago, Gallup Strength Finders. Mm-hmm. . So I was like, Okay, we take these things, it’s like, let’s focus on what we are really good at.

Yeah. Cause you know, when performance review comes [00:05:00] around, what do they focus? , your weakness is right. What you not good at. So this was the first time that I was introduced to these strengths of what we do really well. I was like, Oh my gosh, this is like a no brainer. Why aren’t we doing this? Yeah, why are we, why do we focus on what we’re not good at?

Because you and I both know what happens when we focus on something that we’re not good at. We get that. We’re gritting it out and strife and strive, and then it has such an adverse effect on our self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Yeah, I mean, I kinda, My dad was a good dad, don’t get me wrong.

But, you know, it kind of started that way when I was playing basketball. I, I was a leading score in Maryland, DC and Virginia in, uh, high school. And I could have scored 40 points in a game. He’d be like, Good game. Now. You remember that time you went right. You could have gone left. And so I was al I learned from a young age to please to [00:06:00] be a hyper achiever.

To always be striving to do better, better, better. To always be pushing myself and to focus somewhere, you know, to take for granted what I did well and focus on what I, where I could improve. Yeah, Yeah. And you and I both know, because we, we work on mental fitness is our brain amplifies negative thoughts three times.

Three times for everyone positive. No wonder why, and I, you know, I, my youngest son’s in football, So one of the things apparent, I’m always looking now for, is he doing well? Let’s catch people doing good things, doing the right things. Because guess what? What gets rewarded actually gets repeated. So imagine when, when we’re, um, when we’re focusing on the negative, it just is constant negative self talk that we end up having.

And it was one of the sad truth is not too long ago, my, [00:07:00] my youngest son mentioned, he’s just like, I just feel like I’m never enough. Now he’s 15. And so now I’m getting curious and I’m leaning in. I’m like, Tell me more. Right, right. We learned all of this. Tell me more. And he just says, you know, between grades and football, you know, I’m never doing enough because you’re, you’re always harping on this, that, and the other thing.

And I just went, Oh my gosh. What we focus on, on whether it’s in work and leadership and whether or whether we’re leading our children in our, you know, in sports, we have to mind our. Right. It’s been profoundly, like made a big difference. So fast forward like a, a, you know, the week after he suits up for varsity, now he’s 15.

He got suits up for varsity. He got in for one play. But one of the things that I noticed, and I told his dad, I said, Look, he’s not in the play, but every time out he’s hustling to get the water. We need to acknowledge him for that. [00:08:00] Yeah. Oh my gosh. That one shift, Emily was profound. It pumped him up. He was just like, Oh, cuz he was bracing himself cuz we couldn’t see that people brace themselves for like the negative.

Like, you’re gonna harp on what I’m not good at and what a difference it made in him. And it was That’s awesome. Beautiful to see the light in his eyes on that one. Cause that’s being a team player too. I mean, it, it, somebody needs to bring the water. Everyone needs to help out and um, That’s awesome. He’s learning some good team skills and he’s, you know, focusing, you’re helping him focus on what he’s good at and you know what he did well then, right?

Yeah. And at 15, you know, that’s pretty big deal to be suiting up for varsity . Yeah, it is. And boy, can our kids be our biggest teachers. Yeah. If we’re listening. . Right. Oh, very good. Yes. And I like what you said. Tell me more instead of, Oh, come on, you’re good enough. I mean, look at all the good things about you.

You [00:09:00] know, you, you, you, you delved deeper into what he was thinking. Yeah. I’ll tell you. Be like, Of course you’re gonna say that you’re my mom. Yeah. And, and is so quick. We we’re, and I’m gonna speak for myself. I used to. Be ver very verbally quick to dismiss things to, to filibuster, I guess, if you will. And I’ve had to learn because understanding what our, you know, I have a hyper achiever controller and stickler saboteurs.

Which like the controller one drives the bus in. When I’m in a tense situation and I see how it comes out and it’s not, it’s not a pretty picture. So I’ve had to learn to recognize it because we can’t change something we’re not aware of. Right, right, right. As we delve into learning a lot more about our saboteur and what we think about, we actually bring about and live into.[00:10:00] 

So impactful. And so now I slow down so I can move faster in the right direction so I can understand like, Okay, what’s going on here? Let, let me lean in and understand and not be dismissive of his feeling. Right. Yeah. Right. Not be dismissive of them because they’re, he’s really feeling that, So understand why.

Oh, so 18 years ago you took the Strengths Finder, and what did it tell you? You told you some of your strengths and you, were you working in an area where you were using your strengths? Well, at the time, no – no, because I was doing things to prove, so I was in a strategic role. Which I loved, and, um, because I was chasing the title and the money, So what I recognized was I took it because I did, you know, for the title and the money, and I was responsible for rolling out a strategic alliance.

Like, okay, we worked with Accenture, they have a service, we have a product. I was in high tech putting them [00:11:00] together and going out with a new service offering or a new offering. Well, what I didn’t realize is that most of my day job would be project management. Spreadsheets. Uh, yeah. Oh, totally different from who I am because what happens is, and this is one of the things that I, share with my organizations and teams.  Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should be.  

Because, I could do it. And my Hyper Achiever was like: I’m gonna do it really well.  By the end of the day, Emily, it sucked the life out of me! I walked in the door and I was a raving maniac to my family. Because I was drained. I was tired of pretending that I was doing really great. That you were on top of it.

Oh, Pam, you’re such a process queen. It was awesome. I was like, Oh no. That is so not me. I have strategic, maximizer, communication. I mean, these other [00:12:00] talents which are like outwardly focused. I have big picture thinking and I get things done through other people. I influencing and I was stuck, stuck actually doing the actual, the spreadsheets on a day to day basis.

I could do it, but it sucked the life out of me. You know, you and I haven’t had this conversation before cuz it’s so similar to my life. You know, I was a contracting officer, right? How cool is it to negotiate contracts for airplanes for the Navy and the Marine Corps? But the attention to detail and the spreadsheets, it stressed me out.

By the end of the day, I was completely worn out and I didn’t take that Strengths Finder. I didn’t really realize. I switched to another job that that used more of that public speaking, outgoing, you know, visionary and I wasn’t as stressed. So, yeah, it’s so, you know, it’s so important to know ourselves and to know what we like and to [00:13:00] focus on that.

That’s really a big part of creating a life you love living. For sure. And here’s, here’s a little thing I’ll mention though, is because our strengths is the way we naturally think, feel, and behave. So here’s the thing, the more talented we are in an area, the more we take it for granted. And we think it’s no big deal.

Mm. Like for example, you are probably awesome with public speaking. I know that you can engage people, right? And people probably compliment you all the time. Emily, my gosh, you’re great at speaking to people. You’re a natural. And what’s our first in tendency is like, you know, that’s not big deal, right?

Hello? If we are not valuing – how do, how can we expect anyone else to value us if we don’t know our own value? Mm. And this is one of the, the really great benefits of, um, unleashing our greatest potential is some of these assessments. So, so what happens is, is that when we are, [00:14:00] um, when we take these assessments, it’s almost like, Oh my gosh, they’re reading my mail.

You hated being a cop. . Yeah, Alice. Yeah. Too. You look at this and we go, You’re reading my mail. This is how I now describe me because how do we know how to describe ourselves if it’s the way we naturally think, feel, and behave? And the fact is, is that our, our personal power, cuz we’ve all had titles, right?

That’s positional power. Mm-hmm. But our personal power lies about the source of who we are. This is where self-awareness comes into play. Yeah. The source of who we are. And when that happens, success is guaranteed. So now we’re able to go, Oh you know what, Thanks. Hey, I really appreciate you tapping me for this strategic alliance project management role.

But my strengths are greater used over here. Yes, I’m really honored, but I’m better used over here. So that way we can let go of what we’re not good [00:15:00] at. Yeah, really step into our personal power, which absolutely gives us confidence with ease and flow that we can start influencing an impact, making a greater impact with ease and flow.

Not all that stress and like Alice is saying, she hated the contractor. It is stressful because when we are op, when we’re doing things that we are not really talented at. Yeah. . There’s freedom in letting it go there sure is. And you know, I, I’ve, I struggled with that a little bit when I was starting my own business as a coach.

Um, I was not doing a very good job at keeping track of all my records. I was charging, you know, I had different credit cards and, you know, I wasn’t by the, you know, I told myself that I would. Keep track of all my books in a spreadsheet, and then by the end of the year when it’s tax time, I hadn’t done it for the whole year.

So finally, I, I invested in a bookkeeper. Oh my gosh. She saved my [00:16:00] life and. You know, that’s what she’s really good at. And it took so much pressure off of me. Yeah. Um, and then the other thing is my virtual assistant, Almas, um, I’m getting ready to leave her at, um, a LinkedIn review because she’s just awesome.

And, and the way I found her is I was thinking about getting a virtual assistant to take some of the admin stuff, you know, and. And she messaged me on LinkedIn. I usually don’t like getting messages on LinkedIn that say, Hey, Emily, do you need this? Or Can I sell you that? Or whatever. But the way she messaged me, it was just the perfect timing and it said, Hey Emily, I want your job.

Well, at least the pieces of it that you don’t like doing. Brilliant. I hired her the next day, million. I, we got on the phone and I hired her the next day and I’ve, you know, she, she and her team have been working for me with me, uh, for about almost two years now. Oh. So cool. That’s what I go when I work with leaders, I call it [00:17:00] free the wizard.

Yeah. Because when you get. To do what you do best every day. Operating in our strength, 60 to 70% of our time is, those are high energy activities. Mm-hmm. gives us energy, gives us joy. That’s why we have ease in flow. And I work with leaders about that and they go, How can I do that? I have so much to do.

And I said, Now it’s time to direct and delegate. Yes. Cause there are some things that you’re doing that other people can. But then here’s the thing that they go, I feel guilty. Oh, I said, No, no, no. Delegation is not a dump and run. What you’re doing as a leader is now you’re saying, Here’s my sweet spot.

This is what I do best. These are some activities that need to get done, but I’m not the best person. Here’s how you go and approach your team members. I have an opportunity I’d like for you to consider. Yeah. Give them something they do best. Exactly. Consider the fact that if it drains you, Delegate it and give an [00:18:00] opportunity to somebody that it energizes and then all of a sudden that never, never even occurred to them.

They’re just like, really? That shift in perspective makes all the difference in the world because then they start going, Okay, now you’re raising up leaders. You’re giving them things to energize them. Yeah. That’s how you create high performance teams. Yeah. So keep a list of, you know, maybe, maybe somebody could make a spreadsheet for the week and just keep a list of the tasks that you are doing.

Yeah. And what makes you go, Yes, I get to do this. And what makes you go, ugh, gotta do this today. What are your thoughts around those tasks? And then which ones can you delegate, or how do you change your attitude or your thoughts about the task to make it. That’s what we learn in positive intelligence, right?

It is what We both love it. And I love when when Shirzad says, Yeah, I gotta pay those bills, just like you were talking about was like, Oh yeah, that’s my least favorite thing to do. But when you start saying from a tactical perspective is like, okay, for one, I’ve [00:19:00] also heard two is when you write those checks, And go, Oh, well, who writes checks anyway?

When you pay those bills, have a have a thought of gratitude, for example, for your bookkeeper. I’m grateful that I get to have my bookkeeper help me. I’m grateful that I’m able to, um, to, to hire them. That in it furthers their life and enriches them. I mean, really having a different perspective on those tasks that sometimes, like we have to do those things.

Yeah, sometimes we have to, Mm. I’m getting ready to delegate cleaning my condo because I just dread it. I hate doing it. And somebody might think you’re, or I might think, Emily, you’re retired. Uh, you have time to clean your condo. Well, I just hate it. It, Dr. I just can’t stand thinking about doing it. And there are people who really love to clean and dust and, and, and organize things and, and it’s just not me.[00:20:00] 

So, I don’t know. So let me ask you a question. When you made that decision to get somebody to do that, how’d that feel to you? It felt great. She came over yesterday and, uh, she, hopefully she’s gonna start this weekend. I think , it felt good and I could, and I knew I was helping her out. It was a, it’s a new business in town and, um, you know, um, we, we hit it off when she came over, so That’s awesome because, you know, I, I was just talking to my, um, older son is.

Or actually this guy that I was coaching last night, um, gosh, that’s right. I work with Navy Seals and Special Forces and so I was meeting my fellow last night and I always start with, gimme a word that describes how you’re feeling, and he said, I’m tired. So I said, Okay, you’re tired. Words of energy. So then I asked him, What are some decisions that you need to make?

It’s our maybes. , it’s our [00:21:00] maybes. Yeah. That make us tired. Yeah. Because we have decisions that we need to make. What are the decisions that we’re either avoiding right or we’re dreading to make? And you labored, it sound like you labored a little bit about Oh, do I wanna have that? How long did you go back and forth about that, you know, cleaning the condo?

Yeah. Um, probably a few months until I decided to do it. So, yeah. . Yeah. It’s an energy leak. Mm-hmm. . Because every time you walk by and you’re like, it weighs heavy on our mind and our shoulders, it stresses us. It’s sometimes it’s these little things that weigh heavy, that inhibit us from making bigger decisions, more important decisions.

Yeah. I love how you start your coaching sessions out about like, what are you feeling in one word? Because we can, we, we can stop and ask ourselves that throughout the day. Like, what am I feeling right now? . Yeah. And then when you made that decision, how much energy and freedom home did it give you? [00:22:00] Yeah.

And when I come home to a clean condo, how much energy is that gonna give me? , I love that smell. , I love that. Especially I’m not doing it myself. . Yeah. I mean, I used to get my place clean when I had kids, um, you know, not their rooms. I would make them clean their rooms and stuff, but, you know, for the most, the bigger of the other part of the house, but.

Yeah. So for those of you who are watching, what decisions are you putting off or what is sucking your energy at work? Um, so how do you, how do you, how, how do you coach somebody, um, who might be Pam, who might be in a, in a place where they’re not really playing to their strengths or they’re not even sure if what they are?

Yeah. Well, first and foremost, I do um, I do strength finders with my. And, um, I work with them. I give, I, I, I wanna know their story cuz everybody does have a story. What have they gone through in life that has, um, made them who they are today? So we usually [00:23:00] go back and, um, Talk to them about like, gimme, give me a little bit of Readers Digest version of, of your life, and then we thread through how those strengths have all read.

Always shown up. And it’s interesting because here’s the thing is they go, Whoa, I never knew that and I thought that that was a weakness. Okay. Yeah. Every strength, just like the saboteurs, it maps, maps so well with saboteurs because, um, those, for example, there’s an achiever as a top strength. Those that get things done, they actually, you know, get to the finish line.

They love to set the pace for work, for what happens. If we’re hyper achieving or overachieving, it can hinder us and turn into a saboteur. And now we’re chasing things. So when I work with clients about that, it’s really shining the spotlight on what their greatest strengths are. And so many of them just go, Oh! It’s given them permission.[00:24:00] 

It’s really mining for gold. Because they don’t, Like I said, if it’s something the way we naturally think feeling behavior, we take it for granted. We don’t even know. So we think just because we can do it and it’s easy, society will have us believe that if it’s easy, it’s not valuable. That’s so wrong, so wrong. And all of a sudden their shoulders just sort of, you know, start to relax.

And I just sink into that. Wow. Wow. Okay. I can have permission to be who I am. Many of them, like myself – proving and pleasing in corporate – I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was being all things to all people. This actually gives them permission to be themselves and to see how valuable they are as who they are.

And that’s a hard one to wrap their head around. We’ve had this conversation. It’s not in the doing, it’s in the being. Oh, I had this conversation last night with my, my former. [00:25:00] SEAL, and he is just like, “What the hell are they talking about? What do you mean? Well, just tell me what to do.” It’s not doing, it’s beaing.

I don’t know how to be, And I was like, neither did I. Yeah. Neither did I, I mean, like, so when I’m getting ready to retire from working for the Navy, I’m thinking I, I knew I wanted to be a coach. I, I’m like, like what? What am my, what’s my niche? You know, What would I coach people on? Oh, I know. I wanna coach people on how they can get more done in the day.

Cuz I’m really good at multitasking and getting a lot of stuff done. That’s how I wanna coach them. And I’ve. So much. If you guys have been watching this show for like three years, you’ve seen how I’ve changed. It’s like now I focus on who I’m being, not how much I’m getting done, like who I’m being while I’m getting done.

When you’re focused on achieve, achieve, achieve, achieve relationships, suffer, your health suffers, everything suffers. Yeah. Yeah. So, Emily, what was the turning point for you? How did you [00:26:00] understand, how, how did you transition? And it’s a total transformation. Those of you listening, it’s not an easy switch, it’s it’s actual transformation.

How did you shift from the doing to the being? What was it for you? It was gradual First, first. And, and you can tell me the same, you know, you can answer the same question for me, uh, when, when I’m done answering. But first it was thinking that once I retired, I was finally gonna be more in control of my life.

Cuz my job was making me busy, my boss was making me busy and I wanted to slow down. So I knew that that was gonna happen immediately when I retired. And when I retired I was busier than ever. . I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have a boss. I had to look at myself like, Why am I so busy? Why can’t I slow down?

Why can’t I get to the dishes in the sink clean? Because I feel [00:27:00] like I’m too busy. I mean, why am I sitting at my desk when I could be out hiking? And so then I started to, to just work with many different coaches and I, a lot of ’em had recurring themes about how it’s. , the external. It’s what we think about the external.

It’s our thoughts. Create our about something, create our feelings, which create our actions or our inactions, which create our results. And I wanted different results. I had no idea how to do it, so it was just gra, It took probably. Two years. And um, last year I did an interview with one of my coaches that really helped me through at Sandy rz.

And we talked about that process and, and how working with her, how I was at the very beginning, just all over the place. Um, cuz one of my saboteurs, in addition to hyper achiever and, um, pleaser is, is restless. I’m always like creating new, new work for myself. And, um, that’s a way to avoid your [00:28:00] feeling.

Yeah. And so it was a combination of a lot of that. I could not have done it without coaches, and I still am working on it. Um, but I tell you, I, I work, um, I support the company, Positive IIntelligence part-time, and I’m very good now at not letting my hyper achiever turn that part-time into overtime full-time.

All the time, you know that we talk. Yeah. You and I meet every other Monday and we talk about that. So I have come a long way and um, but it took a lot of inner work on myself. So what about you? What was that like moment that you realized, Okay, when I left corporate America, I had an identity crisis because my value and worth was tied to the title and the money I.

and it was my choice to leave. I had a separation package. It was great. Package felt like Monty Hall, I’ll take the curtain and the package, you know, the door. Um, and so [00:29:00] I took the package and I thought, Yes, I get to do what I wanna do, . And then I was like, Oh crap, what about I don’t have to report to anybody?

I was spinning around. Totally spinning and my value and worth was, was tied because I have hyper achiever. Satory as well is in the doing. Yeah. And this is one of the most profound things that I work with clients on is it’s not, your value doesn’t come from in the doing. This is where society has this belief.

The more we do, the more valuable we are. No, so I, I will tell you, I was a hot. Me too because I needed, I also have restless and, and I kept myself so busy that I was running away from doing introspection. And so now this is, that’s hard. The work that I do with my clients and I said, I help you to navigate the mind field [00:30:00] of introspection.

I didn’t wanna know, like I was afraid of what I might find. And I worked with coaches that called me on my. Like seriously. Um, and, and they kept saying it’s not in the do, and I couldn’t, I couldn’t separate my value from my doing. And this is why I go like this, because that’s what we need to do is, um, is our value in our words, comes from who we are.

And we are whole and complete and beautifully and wonderfully designed and made to not be like other people. Because what do we wanna do when we’re in, in the servers or in in corporate? We wanna fit in so we shrink ourselves to fit. It was like shrink to fit is great for genes, but not for people. You can’t, You wanna stand out?

Yeah. Yeah. You meet. So for me, I went back and forth with them and back and forth and, and, and I was just like, Tell me what to do. And they said, it’s not in the [00:31:00] doing. And they said, It’s who you’re being. And I was like, Like I said, I was a raving maniac. I just don’t get it. I was so frustrated that I didn’t get it.

And they said, Your way of being. Is, are you loving? Are you caring? Are you curious? Are you empathetic? Are you intentional? Are you confident? And I literally words, we talk about this, words make all the difference in the world. So when we can understand a way of being comes from inside, how can I be confident?

How can I be courageous? How can I be bold? What does that look like? It comes from a very different place than that strife and stride in proving and performing and, and, um, really being exhaustive. Yeah. I, I, yep, I agree. Let’s, we have a couple of questions here, so. Denise from Houston, thank you for joining [00:32:00] and, uh, better late than never.

So I’m glad that you’re here. And Alice says, cuz we had asked, does anyone having trouble with making a decision? She says, I can’t make a decision about anything. I can’t decide on when to retire. I can’t even decide on a contractor to do work on my condo. As a result, I do nothing. Which is so frustrating.

Yeah, we get it. We get it. So Alice, it sounds, what would you say? It sounds like overwhelmed to me because there’s a difference. Stress is not bad. , Right? It’s good to have some tension and stress, right? There’s a bit of a, a tension. It’s overwhelm where we literally feel like we’re underwater and it paralyzes us.

So it sounds like, Alice, you’re going like, I have so much to do that I can’t do one thing. What I share is stop. Because our head is, we cannot outthink ourselves. We cannot over, you know, outthink stress. Stop and breathe. [00:33:00] Yes. That’s what you learn in mental fitness. Pa, Pam and I are both, uh, mental fitness coaches, uh, through the company, Positive intelligence.

And you know, it, it’s very helpful to me. I don’t know if you agree, Pam, to know what somebody’s saboteurs are to have them take the saboteur assessment because then that explains. Everything, it explains a lot and you have like a common language to work on with your, with your clients. And so Alice, it’d be interesting if you would take that saboteur assessment.

Um, and, um, I don’t, let’s see if maybe while Pam’s talking to, here’s the thing too is that to share with you and, and take that thread a little bit further. When we’re in our brains, like we’re in survival mode, it sounds like, oh my gosh, I don’t know. I, I’m riding the rail of indecision, which means that I can’t make any decision and I’m paralyzed.

Right? Because we’re thinking about either the past or we’re, we’re worried about the future, making the [00:34:00] right decision, right? Which means isn’t decisive. So this is where we invite you, Gosh, this would be a great opportunity, Emily, to do a PQ rep. Okay. Well, we can, and I’ll put it, um, let’s see. I wanna, I’m looking to see, Let me see.

I’m gonna add this, uh, website. www.positiveintellinence.com Yeah. Do you wanna lead it or, I have my phone, yes. Okay. Um, hold on. Let’s, Okay, let me, let me, um, I’m putting this, um, Saboteur assessment in here. So I’ll post it so you can see it. Um, I would highly recommend going there, learning about the saboteurs, finding out what your saboteurs are, because it helps you then understand the lies that it’s telling you, that they’re telling you.

Yeah. And then, which is basically understanding the thoughts that you’re having that are causing you all the stress, anxiety, overwhelm, whenever you feel that. Stop, like Pam said, take a breath. You are being hijacked by your [00:35:00] saboteurs and you are not gonna, it’s gonna be very challenging for you to think of a, of a way out of the situation because you’re basically in your left brain, which is where all the saboteurs are, and you need to create new neural pathways to the right side of your brain, which is where empathy, curiosity, compassion, you know, calm, cool, headed thinking is.

And so Pam’s gonna demonstrate how to do a PQ rep, which doesn’t take long. You do them throughout the day and it helps you be more in command of your mind and create new neural pathways so that you can recognize. The first step is to recognize, I am stressed, I’m anxious, I’m overwhelmed. Oh, yeah.

That means that I’m in my saboteur mode and I’m believing everything. My mind is telling me. How do I, I wanna switch and get curious about what re what else could be true. . Yeah, we’re hijacked for sure. And we’re in survivor brain. We cannot make good decisions there. Mm-hmm. So I’m gonna invite you, and I’m gonna do the [00:36:00] same thing to close your eyes, and I want you to take a big breath in through your nose and command your mind to focus on the rise and follow of your chest or stomach.

Take another big deep breath.

Feel the cool air. Going into your nose, and as you exhale, feel warm air going out. Do one more deep breath and feel the rise and fall. Focus your attention on the rise and fall of your chest or stomach, and then exhale again.

The key with these PQ reps is to command your brain to be in a physical, to focus on a physical sensation. I’m gonna share [00:37:00] another one with you, which is one of my favorites is to put two fingers together. I usually like my index finger in my, in my thumb. And focus on feeling, rubbing it with enough tension that you’re feeling your fingerprint.

This is another strategy. We call it a PQ rep. And again, focus and command your, your mind to focus on that physical sensation. So here’s the key to those and speaking specifically to Ally, who have the courage to, um, share, what you’re really going through is when we can get in our physical, in present state.

there is no fear, stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, guilt, shame. None of that exists when we’re in the present moment. And only then can we have clear laser focused peace, calm, [00:38:00] creative thoughts. Yeah. And we can make clear decisions. So when you’re doing that and you’re focusing on your finger or on your breath, your mind will wander.

Like, This is stupid. I don’t have time for this. Whatever. You know, you are not your mind. Mm-hmm. , you’re strengthening that self command muscle to command your mind. I am telling you to focus on the fingertips, and by doing that, you’re creating new neural pathways and it gets you out of that stress and more into the sage, the right side of your brain, where you can then say, Okay.

what’s really important now, or, um, you know, what’s another way of looking at this situation? And it’s kind of like meditation. It is meditation, but we do it throughout the day. Um, so we’ve got a question here. from Forest saying this conversation echoes mindful [00:39:00] meditation. Was that part of your journey?

Being a human doing you’re right, is not as fun as being a, a human being. So, right Fort Yeah, I will, I’ll be the first to share. Here’s my achiever and how bad it was. Right. Mindful meditation. I was, I was like, I can’t meditate. I dunno how to meditate. And I’m calling up a friend of mine, I coach a friend.

I was like, I think I’m doing this wrong. I think it was Martha Beck was teaching, you know, this mindful meditation or so, and I, I got hijacked. So one of the things, so Forrest and the rest of you, the beauty of positive intelligence or what we call the PQ rep is it takes first and foremost. 10 seconds to grab that thought and bring it into the present.

And these are two minute increments throughout the day. And for somebody who runs fast and Furious, two minutes for me felt like an eternity because this mindful meditation where they’re talking [00:40:00] about 20 minutes, 30 minutes, was I kept saying, I don’t have time. I don’t have enough time. I don’t have time.

Again, that’s a lie. Right. In two minutes. And like Emily said, your mind is gonna wander and that’s okay. It’s, it’s noticing it and bringing it back, noticing it with blameless discernment. So those two minute practices throughout the day are less than 3% of the time. But what the other thing is, is that it will energize you.

Mm-hmm. . Because here’s the thing that the, the lie that everybody thinks, I don’t have time. I don’t have time. We all only have 24 hours in our day. It’s not a matter of managed time management. It’s managing your energy. Energy. This is where the power of your personal power when you’re operating, your strength, when you’re in sage with the pq, being able to get mindful in your present moment.

That’s managing your energy. It’s [00:41:00] going to energize you, and that’s when you experience ease and flow. It is so counterintuitive to society that that’s why it is difficult, but once you wrap your head around it and say, And one of the things that I used to say is, I’m gonna prove you wrong. I’m gonna do this to prove you wrong.

And boy did I learn that this was the right thing, thing to do. . Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I remember I had a coach that said, you know, Emily, um, if you could start off with, uh, meditation every day, start your morning. Um, could you do that? My hyper achiever’s like, Yeah, I can do that . And the questionnaire was, How many minutes a day do you have time to meditate?

Now it started with 15, 30, 45 an hour, and I’m like, An hour. I’m retired. I’ve got an hour. Then I. Yeah, but I’m probably not gonna do it an hour. All right. So I’ll put 15 minutes. That’ll be easy for me to achieve. And um, and then she wanted me to do it for 40 days straight. And every [00:42:00] week or every other week, she’d say, What day are you on?

I’d say, one you don’t understand. I have a lot to do. I am really busy. I’ve gotta get up and just start my day. I don’t have time to start my day with this meditation . And I finally did it. But, and I do find doing these PQ reps, I mean sometimes a two, two minute PQ rep is like, enables you to handle two pounds of stress.

If you look at it as like weights. Cuz this is like mental fitness, right? So sometimes I will start my day off with a longer one, a 15 pound one, you know, charge up my battery, give me some energy to start the day with. But, um, yeah. I didn’t have the words for it because I hadn’t, you know, encountered positive intelligence yet.

But it was, my restless is like, you don’t have time to sit here. You’ve got stuff to do. What about all these other opportunities you’re missing out on? Yeah. And, and that’s the reason I couldn’t even get the dishes done. Cuz you’ve got all these other opportunities that you could do. You’ve gotta do this and that, and you’ve gotta eat and then put the [00:43:00] dish in the sink and then go do this.

It was just, I was a mess. Oh yeah. We all the, we all buy into that. For sure. But one of the things I wanna, um, address though, because the meditation is sitting there and going, Mmm. Forget it. Restless too. Meditation looks different for, for everyone. Yeah. For me, I walk and talk, I do beach walks with clients being out in nature.

So I think that, Meditation looks different and seems is a different flavor. Flavor for everyone. Mm-hmm. . And so I, I think the traditional me people go, ah, I don’t have time, I don’t have meditation room, or whatever. It, it’s different for people. Like if you’re on your cycle and you’re in the zone, it’s, it’s like again, managing your energy.

and if you can do that, I also do a 15 minute wrap or a 12 minute wrap or whatever to charge my battery in the morning if I know I have a, a pretty busy day, if you will, or a full, I should say, a full day. But what happens is, is that when [00:44:00] we fill ourselves up with self care, meditation, whatever that looks like for us, we can bring that energy into the rest of our day in such a way that we are extremely productive in a very short period of time.

You don’t have to multitask and, and, uh, do all this, you know, do all this stuff to, to, to accomplish. You can accomplish an ease and flow. I would’ve never believed it. I know mine, me neither , forget it. I could do that. It has to be hard, right? Yeah. And this is why it’s, and this is why I think that the work that both of us do is we are absolutely on a mission to help others.

Um, and for me in particular, you know, high achieving leaders, women leaders, um, to to break the lie and find a rhythm of life that works for them in a way of ease and flow, because it absolutely exists. And it starts here with reprogramming our operating [00:45:00] system because society, we’re being bombarded by all kinds of things all the time to quiet ourselves and really, really reprogram our operating.

Yeah, on a daily basis. Well, and you probably, Hi Russ. Thank you for joining us. I really appreciate it. I hope we can, uh, set up a, a networking call soon. Um, I haven’t talked to you in with you in a while. Um, you probably ran into this two Pam when you were starting your own coaching business. There’s so many people out there telling you how to do it.

You do this and you do that, and you gotta do it this way and you gotta do it that way. And at first I was like, overwhelmed. And it, and what you really need to do, the best way to go about it is to figure. What works for you? Cause what works for you as a coach may not work for me. And what works for somebody else may not work for you.

And you know what puts you in ease and flow. How do you wanna be a coach? How can you show up being yourself as a coach and not trying to emulate somebody else? That’s beautiful because that is one of the things with. [00:46:00] We understand the way we really think, feel, and behave, and then align what we do with who we are.

And what I mean by that is going, okay, now we have language. Just like with positive intelligence, now we have language to say, Hey, the value that I bring is this. And it all is based on your strengths. You now, we now know how to articulate that. Not only to say the value I bring is X is we also know how to say what I need to be at my best.

because based on our strengths, what I need to be at my best, I’ll tell you, I need to be out with other people, not. Locked down in in Covid for heaven’s sake. And that’s what brought me positive intelligence to begin with. I have that, that connection, ability to win others over that communication. I come alive when I’m around other people.

When we were locked down, I swear to goodness, I was like a plant with no water shriveling up. So to you I was in heaven. You [00:47:00] are C, you get your energy. This is, this is it too. It’s like we have to understand where we get our. If you refuel, being by yourself, reading, doing whatever it is, my, for me, I can have a very old day with clients.

I can take like an hour to kind of breathe and get that off. I need to go reconnect with other people to get re-energized. So if we don’t know that mm-hmm. , then we can be out there doing whatever p what works for other people that won’t work for us. Yeah. And then that comes strife versus ease and flow.

Oh, and that’s kind of how we came together. I think we, I don’t know, did we meet each other on a, on a positive intelligence call or something, a coaching call somehow. Um, but now you and I meet about every other Monday and we just, you know, kind of help hold each other accountable with our, with our, with what we’re focusing on and how we’re being as well.

And, um, you know, what’s working for us, what’s not. And it just really [00:48:00] helps. I. . Yeah. Challenging each other in a way that, because not everyone’s a fit, you know, we, we can. Right. I, I’ve met a bazillion of other people, but there was something about that connection. I’m like, We need to connect further because of, um, and I, I, I liken this because I, I realized what I needed.

I need a sparring partner in order for me to be at my best. It’s a sparring partner. Yeah. I didn’t have that language. I went, because it’s me. I, I went to another coach. After Covid, I was just like, Something is going on here and like I can’t get myself out of this phone. She’s like: You need a sparring partner.

Because I just said I need a be for me. And, and so that’s one of the things that I think I found in you, this sparing partner. Yeah, we’ve helped each other out a lot. I enjoy that. So, um, tell us a little bit as we we’re gonna be wrapping it up in a minute, and so if you’re watching, thank you for watching tonight.

And if you have a question for Pam, uh, please post it and we’ll make sure she [00:49:00] answers it, um, before we end. But I’m just wondering a little bit, can you tell us about, you know, your ideal client and I’m gonna put up here your, your website. Yes. I work with high achieving leaders to help them discover the value of who they are so they can actually lead from their personal power with confidence, impact and influence, Um, and ease and flow for sure.

So a lot of the folks, cuz I spent 20 years. Technology, Um, and in high tech it’s fast and furious and we get caught up in a lot of that, um, uh, performance. Perspective and lose sight of, of actually who we are. So, um, working with those leaders who feel frustrated and constant, like relentless, negative self talk, feeling not enough, like, I’m not doing enough, I can always be doing more.

It’s really working to be [00:50:00] mindful of let’s slow down, be self-aware. So we can move faster in the Right, right. Direction. And then yeah, being able to build those high performance teams a lot of the times, um, it’s interesting because it’s the leader that sets the tone for the organization and, um, if we are operating out of our strengths, it can create and does create a toxic environment for our team.

Inadvertently, Yeah. For operating health. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think as leaders, you know, I wish that I had learned more to pay more attention to how I was being, who I was being while I was achieving and leading the team to achieve. Um, I, knowing what I know now, I would’ve done some things differently in the way I was a leader, but, you know.

Yeah. Uh, we all learn whenever the, at the right time apparently. And, uh, [00:51:00] So, So that’s what I always say is leadership starts with who you are, not what you do. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and so you’re, you’re offering a complimentary strategy session, right? Yes. That people can sign up. And, and what would that, how would that look?

What would that, The complimentary strategy session, what we’ll do is go through, first start with how are you feeling today?  So know that, go from there to help unpack exactly what’s, um, stepping, you know, standing in your way and holding you back and be able to give you, um, You know, I help you to identify what’s holding you back, and then what are the best next steps in order to help you to move.

Yeah, it sounds like that would be good for Alice and uh, cuz she posted, you know, you could help her with some of her decisions she’s gotta make on retirement and hiring her contractor to work on her condo and how to work through that. Alice, I hope you take the saboteur assessment. That’ll be, uh, I think that will really help you [00:52:00] better understand what are the thoughts that are holding you back about these situations.

Um, yeah. You know, and they’re keeping you feeling stuck. That’s not a fun feeling, but know that you can get out of it. Yeah. Because we’re not our, we’re not our thoughts and feelings. They can come and go in 60 seconds. We don’t have to make them our story. Mm-hmm. But if we don’t understand that, and this is part of the strategy session, we’re gonna be able to break through and go, Okay.

Or break free of that and intercept that quickly. And then you get to see, wow, I’ve been holding ho, holding myself. Ho hostage, not realizing it. Right? Yeah. So, Pam, as we wrap it up, I really appreciate you being on the show and Thank you. What are, uh, what’s a thought that you wanna leave the listeners with?

Do you have anything else? Thank you so much. Talked about. Yeah, I’m honored to, um, to be able to share and just have this conversation with you. Um, [00:53:00] The thought that I really want you all to know is really leadership starts with who you are. And if you don’t know the value of who you are, don’t expect anyone else to.

That’s a hard truth. Yeah. Yeah. That’s a good one. Thank you, Pam. Thanks for being on the, uh, Onward podcast. I really appreciate it. You know, there’s only a few more left. I get kind of sentimental when I think about it, but I’m taking a break and, uh, I don’t know if it’s a permanent break or not, but, you know, I wanna spend more time out in nature, hiking, uh, things like that.

And, uh, I’ve got some other plans too that we can talk about at our next Monday session. Yeah. And you know what’s just came up for me, and I wanna share this with you now, if you wanna be out in nature. What my thought is is that the podcast can go with you. That’s true. It doesn’t have to be the [00:54:00] studio.

That’s true. I’m just saying. No, I, you’re right. I did. Um, Yeah, it could. I did. I did go out once and inter into nature, and I interviewed some tree sitters, which basically for over 700 days in southern Virginia, we had these people sitting in trees. They were protecting the trees from being cut down for a pipeline.

Wow. So they had platforms in the trees. People would send them food up. I mean, they, they came down and ex and switched places, but you never knew when they would. And so I was just, I interviewed them about, um, why they were sitting in trees for so long, and this is when my topic was more on. Um, facing adversity moving forward, discovering yourselves along the way.

I really wanted to understand that. So, yeah, I remember sitting outside in the woods looking at those trees and, uh, interviewing, um, she, they didn’t tell me their correct [00:55:00] name, but it was, or their real name cuz I don’t think their real name was Dusty Pinesap, but that’s who I interviewed.

Good. Alice. Alice says that, uh, she’s gonna take the Saboteur assessment. Awesome. I’m glad it’ll, it’ll really help you understand yourself even more. I, I love it. And then perhaps, um, read Shiirzad’s book, Um, Positive Intelligence. Yep. Got it. Right here. Whoa. There you go. Awesome. Yeah.

All right. I’m gonna put you in the, um, green room and we’ll wrap this up. Thanks all. Appreciate it.

Thank you guys for watching. Uh, I really, you know, I don’t know if you noticed, may not, [00:56:00] may have. I really haven’t been on LinkedIn much and I haven’t been on on Facebook that much either. The past few weekends I’ve been out hiking, camping, Um, this past weekend I went on an event where we really learned about.

you know, wilderness survival, which was awesome. We learned, you know, I learned a lot more about what I should be carrying in my backpack when I go camping by myself and when I go hiking by myself, we learned how to make, um, I already knew, but, uh, how to make, uh, the water that out of that’s coming outta the streams, how you can drink it, how to, you know, make a fire without matches.

We also learned self defense. It was such. Awesome, um, event and I did that through this group called Explore Chicks. So it was all women and uh, it was, it was really great. We did a lot of hard hikes too, so that was a lot of fun. And so I hope that you’re creating a life that you love living. I hope you’re doing more and more about, of what you love [00:57:00] throughout the day, cuz it just makes life so much more.

Enjoy. Thank you for watching and we’ve got a few more shows. Um, November 2nd is the last show, and I hope you can join me then. And, uh, until then, I’ll see you next Wednesday and I’m gonna play my Close. Onward Live is sponsored by Emily Harmon Coaching and Consulting. Visit my website emily harmon.com to learn more about me and my coaching program.

I’d love to help you create a life you love living. Remember, every adversity is our own personal university. Sometimes the lessons are difficult and we must learn from our experiences. Vulnerability is your superpower. You are lovable and worthy, and we discuss these topics and more because professional is personal.

Thank you for joining us and engaging with me and my guest. [00:58:00] I.